As you went

The day you died, you were not feeling well at all. You were all heart and it finally was giving out. I stayed with you, sitting on the hospital floor, my hand in your cage. Your body against mine. I left so that they could give you some medicine. And when they called us back, I expected for you to be well. Not on the table after a crash. I had them remove the respirator, I had to let you go.

As you went I remember whispering in your ear that I loved you and that this too was ok. And how your heart would jump as you heard it. I am not sure when you left completely, I know that in my heart you have never left at all.

The Choice

I knew what I was signing up for, one day I would loose you. Of course there never is a good time. But your loss was an important one, besides your momma you were the closest to me, and looking back I can see things with clarity. I thank God for the things I thought were bad at the time that actually gave you and I time together.

You can look at this world and see either cruel chaos or divine order…I have made my choice, pain will come again, I know, but it will be ok.

Still

Its been a month since I lost you… I miss you pressing your head against me in the morning. There as I rubbed you standing as still as you could be. You loved the sweet talk. Samus, you're a good girl, daddy loves you.

You were so pretty

These photos are from the middle years, from about 3-6. You didn't even have any gray hairs around your face yet...you were so pretty. You used to love that backyard on Bermuda. It was the only place you ever lived where we could open the back door and you could just run. You would be so excited, running up that little hill, chasing squirrels, back to the back corner, then you would go lay in the sun and relax. I miss those days.

You Win

Yes, you learned to master it very young. The second night we had you, six weeks old, cute, and screaming at the top of your lungs at 2am. You won that battle, as you would the rest. Anything you ever wanted, to be helped up on the mattress the next day, my attention early in the morning when I was trying to read or even later in life on your walks, you'd give me those big sad eyes and suddenly nothing else seemed so important.

The Deal

Often I hear stories from people on there death bed, seeing people who have gone on before them, coming to get them and go back to the other side. That's when I hope to see you next, coming to get me, when its my time to go.

It's been a week...

Sweet girl, I miss you dearly. Max has had a hard time this week, he keeps freaking out and looking for you. I still just cannot believe you are gone for good.