The day you died, you were not feeling well at all. You were all heart and it finally was giving out. I stayed with you, sitting on the hospital floor, my hand in your cage. Your body against mine. I left so that they could give you some medicine. And when they called us back, I expected for you to be well. Not on the table after a crash. I had them remove the respirator, I had to let you go.
As you went I remember whispering in your ear that I loved you and that this too was ok. And how your heart would jump as you heard it. I am not sure when you left completely, I know that in my heart you have never left at all.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
The Choice
I knew what I was signing up for, one day I would loose you. Of course there never is a good time. But your loss was an important one, besides your momma you were the closest to me, and looking back I can see things with clarity. I thank God for the things I thought were bad at the time that actually gave you and I time together.
You can look at this world and see either cruel chaos or divine order…I have made my choice, pain will come again, I know, but it will be ok.
You can look at this world and see either cruel chaos or divine order…I have made my choice, pain will come again, I know, but it will be ok.
Still
Its been a month since I lost you… I miss you pressing your head against me in the morning. There as I rubbed you standing as still as you could be. You loved the sweet talk. Samus, you're a good girl, daddy loves you.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
You were so pretty
These photos are from the middle years, from about 3-6. You didn't even have any gray hairs around your face yet...you were so pretty. You used to love that backyard on Bermuda. It was the only place you ever lived where we could open the back door and you could just run. You would be so excited, running up that little hill, chasing squirrels, back to the back corner, then you would go lay in the sun and relax. I miss those days.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
You Win
Yes, you learned to master it very young. The second night we had you, six weeks old, cute, and screaming at the top of your lungs at 2am. You won that battle, as you would the rest. Anything you ever wanted, to be helped up on the mattress the next day, my attention early in the morning when I was trying to read or even later in life on your walks, you'd give me those big sad eyes and suddenly nothing else seemed so important.
The Deal
Often I hear stories from people on there death bed, seeing people who have gone on before them, coming to get them and go back to the other side. That's when I hope to see you next, coming to get me, when its my time to go.
It's been a week...
Sweet girl, I miss you dearly. Max has had a hard time this week, he keeps freaking out and looking for you. I still just cannot believe you are gone for good.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
When you chose us.
Chris came and got me right after work. I didn't know but he had this plan all worked out in his head. We had decided to wait until Saturday morning, since we were both starting a week off to settle into our new house on Woods Run. It was a Thursday night and he just could not wait. As we drove from Franklin to Madison with the Tennessean in his hand with a large circle around the puppy ad. He kept clinching his fists and singing "puppy, puppy, puppy, puppy" over and over. He was just so full of anticipation. And you did not disappoint.
I hate that I did not have a camera that night. We met your grandmother, she was so sweet, you were so much like her. She sat on the couch with us, just wanting all of our attention. I couldn't choose, all of your brothers and sisters were adorable as well. Your daddy finally picked you out of the bunch when you crawled up in his lap and played with him. I saw that little pink nostril and I just fell in love with you, so hard. The next few days were such a blessing and so much fun. You were the most adorable spirit even when you were a baby. I am so glad you chose us.
I hate that I did not have a camera that night. We met your grandmother, she was so sweet, you were so much like her. She sat on the couch with us, just wanting all of our attention. I couldn't choose, all of your brothers and sisters were adorable as well. Your daddy finally picked you out of the bunch when you crawled up in his lap and played with him. I saw that little pink nostril and I just fell in love with you, so hard. The next few days were such a blessing and so much fun. You were the most adorable spirit even when you were a baby. I am so glad you chose us.
The best vacation ever
We took you to the beach, to Cape San Blas, FL, in 2008. It was spring break time...still a bit chilly. We got a condo right off the beach with balconies and 2 floors. It was the quietest, most uneventful vacation I've ever had and I now realize just how special it was. You and Max loved the beach...you especially. There were waves to bark at, seagulls to chase, sticks to chew on and tennis balls to fetch. Oh, and the horses....there were horses on the beach and you just went crazy.
We spent every morning walking on the beach, maybe going for a ride in the car with your head out the window...your little eyes scrunched up so small because of the wind but determined to keep your head out there nonetheless. You loved feeling that wind on your face more than anything.
We spent every afternoon hanging out on the deck, with us reading and napping, you up on the chair with me....making soup. After another walk on the beach, we would all four lay on the pull out bed in the couch and watch ghost hunters or paranormal state. We even thought we had a ghost....when the shower hook fell in the middle of the night.
What made it so special, I now realize, is that we had no distractions. We were able to just experience each other's joy and love, and time in a way that we don't do often enough. I promise, in the future, that I will try and live more conscious of that mentality. Experiencing your life has made me such a better person and I am just so happy that I loved you so much. I've never seen a spirit quite like yours and I am so thankful for these videos that allow me to capture a tiny bit of that spirit so I can keep it with me always.
We spent every morning walking on the beach, maybe going for a ride in the car with your head out the window...your little eyes scrunched up so small because of the wind but determined to keep your head out there nonetheless. You loved feeling that wind on your face more than anything.
We spent every afternoon hanging out on the deck, with us reading and napping, you up on the chair with me....making soup. After another walk on the beach, we would all four lay on the pull out bed in the couch and watch ghost hunters or paranormal state. We even thought we had a ghost....when the shower hook fell in the middle of the night.
What made it so special, I now realize, is that we had no distractions. We were able to just experience each other's joy and love, and time in a way that we don't do often enough. I promise, in the future, that I will try and live more conscious of that mentality. Experiencing your life has made me such a better person and I am just so happy that I loved you so much. I've never seen a spirit quite like yours and I am so thankful for these videos that allow me to capture a tiny bit of that spirit so I can keep it with me always.
God knows best.
I don't know how to start. I'm already starting to cry...again. I've cried so much for you this week. You are so special. My sweet baby girl you were. I hope you know how much you have taught us and grown us this week just by sharing your life with us. I hate it that it took losing you to understand all the things I do now but now I know your purpose in my life.
When we first started talking about getting a puppy, I didn't want a boxer at all. I wanted a boston terrier and your daddy and I fought passionately about it....very passionately. So much that I went for a drive in the car just to get away from him I was so mad that he would not give into my wants. God knew what he was doing though and even though I was so mad, your daddy won that argument. I am so glad he did.
You were not what I asked for, or what I thought I wanted, but within an hour of meeting you, you took over my world. I now realize that God gave me exactly what I needed and exactly what I wanted with you. You are my family and I am so glad that you gave me so much of you. You were perfect and I wouldn't have changed anything about you. You were my baby girl. My sweet precious baby girl. I love you immensely.
When we first started talking about getting a puppy, I didn't want a boxer at all. I wanted a boston terrier and your daddy and I fought passionately about it....very passionately. So much that I went for a drive in the car just to get away from him I was so mad that he would not give into my wants. God knew what he was doing though and even though I was so mad, your daddy won that argument. I am so glad he did.
You were not what I asked for, or what I thought I wanted, but within an hour of meeting you, you took over my world. I now realize that God gave me exactly what I needed and exactly what I wanted with you. You are my family and I am so glad that you gave me so much of you. You were perfect and I wouldn't have changed anything about you. You were my baby girl. My sweet precious baby girl. I love you immensely.
...
I am so thankful that I am obsessive compulsive about taking photos of you and Max. This one I found today and I just love the love I can feel in it. I think you may have just been irritated that I was using a flash when you were asleep but your daddy just wanted to kiss you.Chris and I had 3-4 rolls of film that we found in a drawer a few years ago. We sent it off to have it developed....we had no idea what was on it. We got it back and almost every single photo on every roll was of you and max. We laughed about our obsession back then, now I realize how lucky I am that we were so obsessed. You are so special. I miss you terribly.
Our songs
I want to remember the songs I would sing to you. I don't remember all of them, but I remember how much you loved it when I sang. The quite songs when we were tired or close and the fun songs about your jewel like eyes and you little tail a'waggin'.
The day we chose each other
We decided to wait for the weekend to go get you but I couldn't. That Thursday evening we went. The people we got you from loved you. The man was big and burly, a shirtless mechanic with an elbow spider web tattoo. He spread out a dirty comforter on the floor and someone from the other room opened the crate door. The sweaty mechanic got down on his knees and and yelled "puppies, puppies, puppies" in the sweetest voice he could muster.
A wave of little brown and white fur balls came sliding and bounding around the corner, while I sat on the couch next to your grandmother. She was so sweet, that's how I knew you would be. You sat in my lap and we played, and you were mine. …and I was yours.
September 6th, 2001
A wave of little brown and white fur balls came sliding and bounding around the corner, while I sat on the couch next to your grandmother. She was so sweet, that's how I knew you would be. You sat in my lap and we played, and you were mine. …and I was yours.
September 6th, 2001
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Pancakes
i used to smell the top of your head when i kissed you. I would kiss you just beside that pretty little white strip that ran up between your eyes across your warm round head, your soft fur. Right next to your ear. You always smelled so good, naturally, with out a bath, you smelled so sweet, just like…
Your grunts
i have never heard a dog make the noises you did. Your grunt, I think you learned from me. Its the grunt when you would rest your weight against mine, lift your head until it touched me and with what I can only assume was comfort you let out a deep soft grunt that told me you loved me.
Your bark
I still hear your bark. I think I heard it yesterday while walking along your favorite street. you didn't make it long enough to see the birch canopy leave, and the red buds bloom. But I heard your little toy bark and I looked for you.
Your sweater
As you got older, we gave you a sweater. We called it your granny sweater. When it was cold in the apartment you would come and get us. We always knew what you wanted. You would scrunch your face and poke your head through the neck hole. Then go lay down in a chair, or on your bed and fall asleep.
Thank you Samus
Samus,
I used to think that you were the one being cared for in our relationship. But I now realize that, for the most part, the things I supplied you were merely surface and superficial. I gave you a home, food, treats, a raincoat, toys and lots of walks. What I realize now you gave me so much more.
You always put me first, always. Always, you wanted to be in my lap, or to play with me, and you were always up for a nap. I would sing quietly to you and you would be still and press your head into mine. And when we slept and drifted apart you would always get up and lay against me with all your weight. Your heavy sigh of comfort. You gave me closeness, you gave me company, and you gave me rest.
You always greeted me as if I were the most important thing in your life. I listen for the tapping of your toes on the other side of the front door. And your dance for me when I entered our small apartment. And your immediate run to get a toy.
I thought I was giving you walks. But you gave me breaks from life. And when we reached the corner and I wanted to head back, you made me pause and go a little farther, with excitement leaping forward. You gave me enthusiasm. You lived for the moment and tried chased things bigger than your limits, horses, trains, cars and pigeons. You were never satisfied, you were an explorer. If you had 100ft of leash you would be at the end of it.
Most of all you gave me you, all of you, everyday, every night, always. Thank you for everything Samus. I miss you terribly.
Love, daddy
I used to think that you were the one being cared for in our relationship. But I now realize that, for the most part, the things I supplied you were merely surface and superficial. I gave you a home, food, treats, a raincoat, toys and lots of walks. What I realize now you gave me so much more.
You always put me first, always. Always, you wanted to be in my lap, or to play with me, and you were always up for a nap. I would sing quietly to you and you would be still and press your head into mine. And when we slept and drifted apart you would always get up and lay against me with all your weight. Your heavy sigh of comfort. You gave me closeness, you gave me company, and you gave me rest.
You always greeted me as if I were the most important thing in your life. I listen for the tapping of your toes on the other side of the front door. And your dance for me when I entered our small apartment. And your immediate run to get a toy.
I thought I was giving you walks. But you gave me breaks from life. And when we reached the corner and I wanted to head back, you made me pause and go a little farther, with excitement leaping forward. You gave me enthusiasm. You lived for the moment and tried chased things bigger than your limits, horses, trains, cars and pigeons. You were never satisfied, you were an explorer. If you had 100ft of leash you would be at the end of it.
Most of all you gave me you, all of you, everyday, every night, always. Thank you for everything Samus. I miss you terribly.
Love, daddy
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